Once again, feeling all alone. Like I still don't belong anywhere. Just tired. Tired of all the feelings of inadequacies. Tired of feeling left  out. No one that I get to connect to. It is me. It must be. No matter where I go, I am isolated. Whether self inflicted or not, I can't do this anymore. I'm drowning and it's getting darker again.

This is a hard day. Harder than I thought it was going to be in a million years. I'm going to represent Mom to finish the closing on selling her home. The house I grew up in. The house that has a thousand memories for all of us. And yet her I am, feeling all alone. Feeling that my world has been shattered and nothing will ever be the same.
I continually try to look at the positive to no avail. My broken heart just keeps screaming.

This blog is definitely more for me than anyone. My own online diary. Which is probably not smart knowing how people can find things on the internet, but oh well. The life we live today.

My mind is driving me crazy. I wonder if it's a sign of intelligence or craziness? It constantly turns from one subject to the next but when I try to really focus on something I want to learn, it's a complete fog. I wish I could make a commitment, be more disciplined in a healthier eating lifestyle. I know that would make some difference. It;s a constant battle and I get so tired. I thought by now in my life my mind would settle. I would be settled. But yet I continue to yearn and ling for something else. Never content. Never satisfied. Always ultimately bored.

If anyone knew what was really going on in my head they would probably be appalled. First of all this 40 thing hasn't been great. Almost 4 years into this decade and i don't like it. I continue to gain weight, joints get stiff easily, periods are weird, and depression hangs on.

At one time I wanted to be a writer. I wonder if I really could write something worth ready and meaning. This year has been a bigger challenge than I ever imagined. I really don't like what I have become. I dread the days at work. Why can't I find the good in the moment instead of replaying the worst part of the days.

Continuing to battle this black cloud is exhausting. I am so sick of fighting this feeling. Why do I have to deal with feeling inadequate and worthless. Nothing seems to ever be enough with me. Its getting really old.

Reminders

Counting down the days until the school year ends. It's funny how life flows in a circle. As much as we want to think we are moving upwards, there are parts that just don't. I am still in school. I started in 1975 in preschool when I was 3 because it was free, finished in 1990, started again with Clayton in 1999, went back in 2004-2008, started again with Abby in 2007, (every Mom knows thats truly how it is), started again myself in 2011, and now I teach.  My life must have its own circadian rhythm. Anyway.
I keep trying to define myself. Find my meaning and purpose in life. I just read a devotional blog that simply reminded my that I nor anyone else can define who I am. God has provided the perfect definition for me and I need to lean into him to capture that truth. I am a child of the one true King!
Then my mind flip flops. What about wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher? What about all those things? How do I make the voices in my head calm and assured?
Clayton should be home soon and yet my head is already dreading it in some way. This will be the last I see of him for 6 months or more. How do moms go through this stuff? No one warned me about this part!
Abby has changed so much. I hope I am being a Godly parent but I feel so inadequate.