At one time I wanted to be a writer. I wonder if I really could write something worth ready and meaning. This year has been a bigger challenge than I ever imagined. I really don't like what I have become. I dread the days at work. Why can't I find the good in the moment instead of replaying the worst part of the days.

Continuing to battle this black cloud is exhausting. I am so sick of fighting this feeling. Why do I have to deal with feeling inadequate and worthless. Nothing seems to ever be enough with me. Its getting really old.

Reminders

Counting down the days until the school year ends. It's funny how life flows in a circle. As much as we want to think we are moving upwards, there are parts that just don't. I am still in school. I started in 1975 in preschool when I was 3 because it was free, finished in 1990, started again with Clayton in 1999, went back in 2004-2008, started again with Abby in 2007, (every Mom knows thats truly how it is), started again myself in 2011, and now I teach.  My life must have its own circadian rhythm. Anyway.
I keep trying to define myself. Find my meaning and purpose in life. I just read a devotional blog that simply reminded my that I nor anyone else can define who I am. God has provided the perfect definition for me and I need to lean into him to capture that truth. I am a child of the one true King!
Then my mind flip flops. What about wife, mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, teacher? What about all those things? How do I make the voices in my head calm and assured?
Clayton should be home soon and yet my head is already dreading it in some way. This will be the last I see of him for 6 months or more. How do moms go through this stuff? No one warned me about this part!
Abby has changed so much. I hope I am being a Godly parent but I feel so inadequate.